Here it is: "Minutes of a meeting of the Life Enhancement Advisory Panel held at (redacted) on (redacted). Present: Chairman and Secretary. Apologies: (42 names redacted).
In attendance: W. Berkley, M. Greenberg, and W. Buffett.
1. New Business.
The Secretary stated that the Panel's raison d'ętre was to consider how best ways to enhance the quality of the lives of senior citizens through termination. Thus, all business of the Panel was old business.
2. Old Business.
The Chairman stated his understanding of the President's decision that, as a matter of policy, life should be enhanced to a conclusion at 50, that being the age when citizens become permanently unemployable decreasing both unemployment and medical costs.
The Secretary pointed out that the Chairman was 82 years old. It was suggested that, while the Chairman would remain eligible to serve at the Federal Reserve or on the Supreme Court, his age might be inappropriate, given the Panel's purpose. He should be encouraged to meet with medical advisors to discuss enhancing his life forthwith.
The Chairman notified the Panel of a paper he intended to produce, proposing to enhance downward by 75 percent the salary of the Secretary, who then withdrew his earlier comments.
3. Resolved: That in the interests of best performance by the Life Enhancement Advisory Panel, those serving on the Panel be exempted from life enhancement sine die.
4. Enhancement Techniques.
The Secretary noted that under current legislation, the Panel could only recommend to the aged that their lives be enhanced through termination. The means of enhancement had yet to be determined.
The Chairman stated that (redacted) Chemicals, of which he was also happily the Chairman, was close to perfecting a life enhancement pill, to be called Diagra. This guarantees the maximum and speedy permanent enhancement of the nation's older citizens. Should a citizen remain unenhanced four hours after taking Diagra, he or she would consult a physician.
5. Insurance Industry Presentation.
Mr. W. Berkley said that his company could not compete with old age and he would therefore demand that Congress introduce legislation outlawing it. The Secretary noted that during a recent presentation Mr. Berkley had made to Congress on his 19th annual visit, five Senators had sunk into comas. Under the new standing rules of the Congressional Life Enhancement Panel, each of the five would be permanently enhanced.
Mr. M. Greenberg stated that at 84, he was as sharp as ever, and would prefer not to have his life enhanced, as one of his competitors, American International Group, had proposed.
Mr. W. Buffett offered the panel a new methodology for life enhancement. If those over the age of 50 were forced to read their insurance policies most would be permanently enhanced through boredom. He proposed a rider in all life policies to the effect that receipt of a letter by the policyholder from a Life Enhancement Panel would effectively cancel the policy.
6. Resolved: The Panel hold its next meeting in (redacted), Hawaii.
7. There being no further business, the meeting was enhanced.
ROGER CROMBIE is a Bermuda-based columnist for Risk & Insurance®.
October 15, 2009
Copyright 2009© LRP Publications